This post is literally on random thoughts that are popping in through my mind. The time is 12:45am and my playlist is on shuffle.
NP: Kid Cudi_Solo Dolo
Gratitude: I am feeling so grateful for where I am right now in my life. I keep looking back to where I was just 4 months ago, and my life was a s**t show and literally, I was crying almost daily. I turned to binge drinking and just making choices that in the long term served me no interest but felt good in those moments. I was definitely reckless and put myself in danger with most of my decisions. Now it’s a different story; I work out regularly, journal, haven’t had a drink in over 3 months, I am studying again, back home & making sound decisions. I am detached with the world a bit, I engage with what I want and life right now feels less stressful, highly manageable and wow guys I am laughing so much. I am just generally happy.
NP: Jhene Aiko_B. S ft H.E.R
Breakdowns: I did have a mini breakdown just a few days ago. I had a plan for myself in terms of leaving the country and with Corona causing havoc it pushed my plans further back way more then what I expected and wanted. I felt frustrated at how things are currently. This one thing was/ IS meant to be my break, a chance to explore a new place and just enjoy myself and get back into feeling confident, you know. I had to remind myself that the yes God gave me is still a yes it has just has taken a detour. I am an advocate of crying and expressing your emotions and I did exactly that. I feel much better and things seem to be getting in control with where I want to go so that puts me at ease.
NP: Scared of lonely_Beyoncé
Alone Time: I felt lonely after my break -up at the end of last year but since this year began, I have hardly felt that way. I think it’s because I am doing things that I enjoy again like writing and taking pictures. I am also focusing on my school work so that takes up most of my time but when I am alone I enjoy it. It feels like a moment to gather my thoughts, check-in on myself, sometimes host groundbreaking concerts in my room or cry or just talk to myself. I feel more grounded not having someone one to attach myself too because I tend to throw my all in them so now that I am using that energy on myself, I am enjoying it way more. In my previous post, I mentioned that I will be working on myself more with the help of Dr. Thema’s videos.
NP: 20-something _SZA
Relationships: I am not actively looking for anything right now, think it would be a grave mistake on my end to cut the healing process right now. I don’t know if I fear to put myself out there again, guess I will only truly know once I find someone I think is worth the time. The thought of love does not scare me, but I know I will be very cautious and not in a hurry to let someone in completely again. If the universe would do things my way, I’d like to have a friendship with my suitor before pursuing a romantic relationship (but we will see how things go).
NP: I want you around_Snoh Aalegra
Friendships: I can easily say I let go of a lot of important people last year. Humans I love undoubtedly and it hurts that I let them just fall off my radar. I am big on friendships to think they are one of the most important relationships one can have. I, however, have this bad habit of isolating myself when I got through things than wanting to emerge when I have it figured myself out, only thing is, I don’t announce or express it so that’s just pure shit on my side. You can’t just enter and exit people’s lives when it suits you, I can only hope I will be able to reach out to them one day and they will be willing to let me back in but if they don’t I completely understand. The roles they played in my life will always be ones I truly appreciate and forever cherish.
Family: Thank God for the family that never gives up on you. Last year I put them through such a rocky time with my behaviour and I wish I could take it back (waterworks begin). I know it was hard for them and I am grateful they stood by and still stand by me. I inflicted a lot of pain and caused some embarrassment, guess when you don’t care about your own life, nothing matters in that moment. I can never take back the impact of my actions but can only hope that with time as I work on myself, they will be proud that I turned things around.
NP: The cure and the cause_Dennis Ferrer remix
Working out: I am falling in love with working out! My body looks better, I feel better and there is nothing as satisfying as realizing how much stronger you are getting with each session. I won’t lie there are days where I am just like ‘do I really need to do this?’ but when I am done, my positivity is sky-high. It’s also helped in how I talk to myself. The constant motivation you give yourself when working out and pep talk, has to lead me to speak with kindness and to remind myself that I am kick-ass! I am also on the Daniel Fast since it’s Lent so my self-discipline is improving. It feels good to look in the mirror now, no lies (shrugs shoulders).
NP: Where’s the catch _ James Blake ft Andre 3000
Last thought: So much is happening in the world right and in our daily lives. I told myself one thing before this year began that I won’t say ‘2020 will be my year’ instead 2019 has prepared me to handle whatever 2020 will be. I determine how this year goes for me and that’s still the same energy I maintain. We have no control over life but what we can do is control our actions and reactions in life. Taking time to focus on my spiritual well-being puts this in perspective for me daily and asking myself; ‘Is it necessary? Will it serve me in any way? Am I content?’ keeps me on track.
Remember to be kind.
NP: Groovers’ Prayer _Thebe