This post will be as raw as possible because emotions deserve to be felt as they are experienced. I encourage you to do the same for your own healing process. Remember your heart matters.
In my reflections as of late there have been many feelings that have come up and basically your girl (me) is still hurt by her last relationship I escaped cupid’s chokehold in critical condition.
I wanted to express how breaks-up really feel like & well first and foremost they f*****g suck!
Let me make this clear, I don’t wish to get back together with this person but how everything went down is what is causing most of the hurt. This person was reckless with my feelings, they became very selfish and caused a very serious situation that affected my life before ghosting me ( I never wished so hard in my life that I was being featured in an episode of Ashton Kutcher’s-Punk’d).
When you leave a relationship where there is no closure it does get to you (and I know we all feel its not a need to move forward but after 2 years on/off you’d at least think I would get that). I felt robbed of the chance to express my emotions to the person who caused them. I sometimes wonder if they feel remorseful for any of the things they did and the impact their actions left on me.
This relationship was a testament of what giving potential a chance looked like and how it can go horribly wrong. If I am to be honest, they never showed up for me the way I wanted but I still choose to accept it. I enabled their behaviour at a personal loss to myself.
So, what did this ultimately show me:
a) I clearly did not love myself enough because if I did, I would have been done with him way earlier on.
b) I didn’t have clear boundaries set up for myself.
c) I have unhealed wounds that set me up to choose them for so long.
d) I have not learnt about myself the way I learnt about my partner/s.
I once tweeted that someone could learn you well enough to make you think they are in love with you when they are not. I probably became a place of convenience for him. (swallows the big lump in my throat).
It hurts looking at the relationship with such a critical eye but romanticising it is what lead to staying with them for so long. In another tweet I stumbled across it spoke about how break-ups bring about the feeling of shame & self-questioning;
had I just left when I was supposed how would my life have turned out? what if I loved myself better would I have been in a healthier partnership with someone else? why didn’t I have better boundaries set in place to protect my heart?. The what if game is tiresome and never ending once you play it.
Then there are moments I look at myself and think, “this is really what I thought love was? Like I really thought that was the love I deserved. Is that the standard I see for myself? Well that’s sad.”
It’s hard wrapping my head around all of it seeing as I like to compartmentalize scenarios that happened so I can figure out what I need to work on. This break up has made me realise that I need to work to get to a point where I can trust my own judgements again about who I allow in my life …because phew chile.
I am however glad that I have given myself the leeway to break down as I want through this process. I normally suppress things but have found myself journaling to get the heaviness off my heart and committing myself to better spiritual practices. This is 1st time I want to deal with this pain head on because I would like to feel secure within myself and confident when I open myself up to dating again.
When it’s all said and done healing is still a YOU process. Heartbreak can be a very crippling situation to go through, I think of the journey to healing as a 1000-piece puzzle that I must assemble without a picture given to me of what I am working towards, so I need to take it one step at a time to try make sense of it all.
What I do hope is that we will be kinder with how we treat ourselves as well as the feelings of others invested in us.