You have decided to pack things away you currently don’t want into a box. If we are being honest you should be throwing them away, but you are not ready to commit to that. You take your box with you and walk slowly whilst yo-yoing back and forth about throwing away the contents or keeping them. In no time you realise you are by the door of the storage room-the room of undealt shii. You have stored things you were too anxious to let go of aka harbouring emotions. Each box gathers dust day in and day out. You being in there makes you feel uneasy because you know at some stage you are meant to face the contents of each box, but instead you have grown to be good at storing and compartmentalizing things. You scan the room and look for an empty space to place yet another unwanted piece of yourself to ga havether dust. When will it stop? When are you willing to get your hands dirty and clear out what you no longer need? Why is there comfort in hoarding unto what is weighing you down?
In the past few weeks, I have opted to focus on being more honest and open with myself this is means I am sitting in the room of undealt shii and trying to choose which box I want to tackle first. It’s an exhausting task! no matter how small I think the issue I want to face is I realise once I analyse it that its slowly had a ripple effect in other parts of my life. It somehow has formed itself into my lived reality. So, it gets easier to put the box away and try find another box to unpack or leave the storage room altogether.
The slow journey of being honest with your reality is that once you are removed from situations you get to see the actions of others and yourself clearly. There is no hiding what the truth or should I say the perceived truth of it all is. This for me has looked like waking up at 3am and having hour long mirror conversations which involve a lot of tears and raw emotions. This has looked like journaling and seeing the words that fill my mind on paper and accepting them for what they are. Lastly this has also come with prayer sessions centred with trying to get answers.
The weeks have past and I can say that all the boxes are still there but I do not step in the room and feel the same uneasiness as before, instead I am able to firmly plant my feet and choose a box I want to deal with or let it choose me. I am also in no rush to clean out all those contents in one go but I always make it a mission to leave the room with at least one item and throw it away.
This may sound very abstract so let me put it in laymen’s terms; I am now willing to sit with my emotions that have made me sad, angry, bitter, ashamed, embarrassed, unforgiving, less-than etc and I am willing to put myself back into those moments but as a third party and assess it more critically. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel that emotion anymore but that I allow the emotion to come and figure out what causes it and why, has it replicated itself in other ways in my life? I also look at how my character changed to accommodate the said emotion and if this is now a trait of mine. It’s a lot of thinking work and true introspection. It is tiring and no, I don’t always get answers during those mini sessions with myself, but I do leave being are of at least one thing I can let go off.
So, I am learning myself the way I learnt others that I allowed in my space. I am patient in the process. I am being honest. I am being me as best as I can right now and that’s I all I can ask for and I hope your giving yourself the same courtesy.