The Heartbreak Hotel Is Closed!

This is a story of boy meets girl.
But you should Know upfront’ this is not a love story.

Now that I have made it very clear that this is not about the beautiful euphoric feeling of loving in romantic relationships but rather the heartbreak we deal with when it ends. Why does it feel so gut-wrenchingly painful to end a relationship with the one you love? It’s not just an emotional pain it can become physical as well. The quote comes from one of my favorite movies. “500 Days of Summer” The movie takes a look at how we idealize relationships so much in our heads that we can overlook all the bad that actually took place and why we were not meant to be with those people.

I, not so long came out of relations with someone who was on and off in my life for two years, it ended on a pretty sour note full of deceit and lies (as I heavily roll my eyes cause my gosh I had to learn the same lesson from this human again). I remember a tweet where someone spoke about the shame you feel during a heartbreak. The shame of not choosing yourself or forgiving that person endless chances and I honestly related to it.

Anyways we not here to delve into the mess of heartbreaks but rather how we can honestly try to gather ourselves up again and move forward.

Welcome to my mini-series of heartbreak, all three humans represent the ones that shook my world respectively in 2013, 2015 and 2019. It’s safe to say I am tired. Exhausted, to be honest.

break

Now let’s welcome the common denominator me:

black girl

Each break up was different but a similar pattern developed, I would still be in some sort of contact with them. I’ve never really had a clean break up; where you bump into each other a year later, greet and keep it moving. Oh no I definitely resided in its ‘complicated’ region.

But why was I not able to just distance myself and say no when these humans contacted me again? The answer is simple love is a drug.

Brain mapping studies show that love for our brains is just like any other kind of addiction. Brain reacts extremely similarly to the loss of love as it does to withdrawals from a drug. As in any case of addiction its hard to admit you really have a problem.

Now that we are aware that love is not just an emotion being felt but it’s registering itself in our brain as it would if we were on an actual drug, how do we let go of what we are addicted to?

I looked at two different methods that can be used conjointly to foster a healthy end and moving on the process;

1. Letting yourself go through the 5 stages of grief.

2. Using some of the steps from the 12 step program.

I should, however, add I have dealt with heartbreaks as Solange suggested with ‘Cranes in the sky’ guess that should let you know why my healing process has been wonky.

Grieving a relationship is okay. It doesn’t make you weak or dramatic. You will probably go/are going through or have gone through these 5 stages:

-Denial and Isolation

-Anger

-Bargaining

-Depression

-Acceptance

These stages can occur interchangeably. Each day, each moment will be different. If you can journal or voice record to try and get the thoughts and memories out of your mind.

Here are some of the steps we can incorporate in your healing:

-Honesty (the most difficult one). You need to be honest with yourself about how the relationship really played out, your role and theirs.

-Maintain your faith.

-It’s time to soul search.

-Be willing to want to heal and move forward.

-Forgiveness (the one thing I truly struggle with)

-Put the effort into maintaining your new life without them.

*Get a hobby to take up your free time or spend more time doing what you love.

*You will need to have a good support system to lean on.

If all of this is too much to remember then focus on being patient and kind to yourself. Allow yourself to break down how you want and I hope those around give you the space to do that.

Make peace with the fact that closure is never perfect and may never be what you hoped it to look like. Even if you ask all the questions you want the answers might never be satisfactory.

So here is to healing our hearts one cry and journal at a time.

 

Love

T.I.N

love you

Arcade Fire – Song on the Beach; Photograph

One Comment Add yours

  1. One thing I learned from one life heartbreak, about 20 years ago; it was never the person, but the feeling, I missed. When I realized this, I was never heartbroken again, because I loved people but did not attach to them. Attachment and heart break is fear, versus love…but SO HARD for the mind to understand this LOL. The heart knows, though. Thanks for sharing with us 🙂 Retweeting for you.

    Ryan

    Like

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