I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write this post and how I would go about it. How do I eloquently put what’s going in my mind without it sounding a little crazy but I realised there probably isn’t a correct way to say how I feel or what I’ve been thinking about.
A quick disclaimer this post won’t be very motivational for you so if you are already in a semi dark space you might want to stop reading but on the flip side if you are in that dark space and want someone who gets you right now then this might just be it.
I’ve been tweeting for the past three weeks or so that I feel weird. I’ve felt disconnected from my life, my body, my emotions , practically everything. I literally feeling like I’m watching myself live life from a third party perspective .
This feeling has intensified as the weeks have passed on. During Lent I had found myself in a good place spiritually but now, I hardly have the urge to utter a full pray or listen to a sermon. It’s not like I don’t think about it or want to do it but I feel exhausted,rather, drained at the thought of doing it.
My mind is hardly here. I’m on autopilot, going to work, being around family , talking to friends like normal but I feel scripted somehow.
This feeling is different from when I’ve had my dark depressive episodes, in those times all I wanted to do was sleep. I literally did not care about taking care of myself physically and the thought of dying made more sense then being alive.
This isn’t the same though, I’m not thinking about ending my life , I’m just questioning why I even exist. Like why am I here? why are we all here? If we being brutally did we really need to be created? The world would have still kept going without our presence …so then why make us?
The thought has been driving me crazy. Add on having a bit of tough time with a family situation I just can’t seem to put an end to, cutting off a person who I care about dearly but didn’t make sense to have in my life for the long run, quick change of cities to begin an unpaid internship and to end it off being in a car accident.
I just wonder why are we in this rat race of life. We are literally trying to stay alive or stressing about creating something stable ,even in the fun happy moments we need to work so hard to get there.
I tried speaking to people about this lingering feeling and the answers I got were less then satisfactory to me, so I googled…”what is an existential crisis?”
I thought clearly this must be it, the internet will help me explain this mess to myself, I read a few articles and well…
What Is Existential Crisis?
Psychologists define existential crisis as a turning point. It’s a moment when you feel the need to find meaning or purpose in your life.
During an existential crisis, you find yourself pondering who you are, whether you’ve accomplished enough, your place in the world, and the meaning of life.t Erik Erikson, who referred to an existential crisis as an “identity crisis.” Questions of identity are defining characteristics of an existential crisis
You can clearly see my issue here, I’m not trying to find my purpose (or that isn’t the driving force for why I feel this way), I’m not thinking about if I’ve accomplished enough, none of these articles spoke to me.
So I tried again and this time I looked up “emotional warfare” and what I found made more sense to ;
“Broken trust results in feelings of emotional desperation, and a profound sense of aloneness, abandonment and (deep existential) uncertainty. This can be thought of as a ‘the black hole of fearand panic and pain and death’.
“False Self is inevitable to some degree in all of us, as each of us experiences injuries and rejections (either by parents or peers), which set the stage for the emergence of the False Self’s search for perceived security.” – Donald Winnicott
“False Self is the part of us that is concerned with defending our status and belonging needs.”
“Whereas the False Self sets the stage for conflict and, in many case, full blown Emotional Warfare, the True Self sets the stage for harmony and emotional peace and freedom.”
True Self is about. It is about the harmony and positive flow between one’s heart, head, and the other, toward the Good. True Self is a eudaimonic state of high well-being where one achieves a sense of harmony between one’s emotional core, one’s reflective ideals, one’s social and material environment, and ultimately, in accordance with the moral good (however that might be defined)
I repeat I really didn’t want to write about this. I’m trying to dwell less in negativity but just yesterday I was up an hour early for work having a cry fest, my jacket tore mysteriously at work and I was having tears stream down my face in the office. The one thing writing does for me is help express myself where my words fail verbally. Its a release for me.
I don’t know if this funk will go away ,I have no ten step plan to be good. All I can and will do is take things a day at a time.
“I found peace in drowning” Tyler,The Creator.