I remember I used to call your phone number relentlessly.
Morning, noon, after midnight…I’d hear it ring and ring and ring. The sound kept me at peace for about a month but eventually I needed to find another way to you.
I scoured through my Facebook and Twitter for any posts I could have made about you. Went through conversations just to try get voice notes I could have recorded of you.
I was obsessed with trying to keep you with me. Trying to make sure I wouldn’t forget you . That is still my biggest fear. That I will forget the details of your face, how you looked when you smiled at me, forget the way your voice sounded when you called out my name or your signature whistle which alerted me that you were just outside the house.
It was probably weird for people to see you without me at some stage seeing as I was attached to your hip. Wherever you went I wanted to go and some days I didn’t even want to go but I’d still be there. I’d still be a part of you.
I don’t think there is anyone who can make fun of me like you used to. I consistently had to defend my big toe from your banter, but I held my own against your false teeth (haha) and would end up making you laugh until tears rolled down your face.
Personally, I think you contributed to me being a night owl. We’d watch movies together until everyone in the house was asleep and it was only you and I left . The last movie I remember us watching was Colombiana.
You would also indulge my sweet tooth. If anyone asks me why I love desserts with all my heart you finally have the answer now.
I listen to Louis Armstrong and cry now only because it’s a reminder of you. You’d impersonate him and tell me stories of your father and mother, and I’d be in awe of you. I’d get a glimpse of how your life once was and I wish I had the magical spell to teleport us there just for a day, just to see how you once were as a young adult.
You were tough sometimes but with old age you became softer. It didn’t take much for you to hug me tighter and longer or to shed a tear cause of an achievement I accomplished.
There are so many memories I cling unto now because that is all I will have of you.
Death has taught me to be more vivid with what I remember.
Today marks 5 years since your untimely passing and I’ve struggled every day since then. Death came in our lives silently and swiftly. I was not ready to live my life without you yet, but I try and remind myself that you live in me and will always be with me.
I might never hear your voice again.
I might never get a big hug with tons of kisses on my face from you again.
I might never be able to share with you another physical day in my life again.
But no one has experienced you the way I have. No one ever will. The bond we share is one that can never be replaced. My heart will always be full and happy knowing I got to have you be my dad.
I strategically had to write this in a taxi just so that I wouldn’t breakdown and cry.
To the king of my heart, my friend, my father I hope wherever you are you spirit is at peace. I know you are with us all and that we carry you in our hearts.
I will love you forever and always.
Press play : Louis Armstrong _ What a wonderful world.