(This was written on 17 Aug 2018).
It takes a lot for me to write or type out my pieces, instead I let thoughts float around in my head, I craft them perfectly until it drives me a little insane or bothers me to the point of looking for a distraction outside from my own mind.
I’m in that place again. It’s crept up on me, my sunken place. I know it’s more than just mood swings or being in a funk. I’ve felt this way for so long, but it took one afternoon at work, overwhelmed by my tasks, ready to cry just by the thought of my manager calling my name for the 100th time and it isn’t even lunch time yet.
I sat down and googled; ‘being 20-something and feeling depressed at work’. Yes, it’s a pretty long sentence to type into google search but look I was desperate and needed to know I wasn’t feeling or going through this alone. I needed just one study or article with suggestions (of course) of how to keep it together and the magic answer popped up: ‘Quarter life crisis’.
I went through all the signs of what exactly a quarter life crisis is, and I identified with all of it. I wasn’t going crazy (cue my sigh of relief). People are going through the motions like I am, we all are going through shit together. I downloaded some pdfs to read, saved TEDx talks, read articles and then took my phone and texted my mom and told her to google it.
This nightmare that you just read took place in July a whole month earlier before writing about it.
Fast Forward…. Hello September!
Welcome to week three of binge drinking on weekends and being the child to friends who now have become surrogate parents to a 24-year-old young woman.
I cry involuntarily and viciously from thoughts of missing my deceased grandfather or about how tired I am of being sad and that I am a true fuck up and even when I try I somehow end up doing it again failing at getting my life together.
This feeling is coupled with the guilt of knowing that my mother who’s 400kms away is trying to call her only child who is actively ignoring her calls and maybe, if her spirit willed itself to eventually do so, would call or text her back. I however would always end up being annoyed at the end of each call as my lack of communication was addressed.
My cycle of moods just don’t seem to end, I have become a shell of myself and of what I ‘d hoped to be as a person.
Deep down the 2% of me that is trying to fight all this darkness knows how much I love her and how bad I feel that I am hurting her, my friends and myself by being distant, feeling depressed and having anxiety.
The guilt eats me up because I can see how hurtful my actions are and I really, really don’t want to do this anymore, but I don’t how to get out of it.
I need to know what is wrong with me. I don’t want to leave this earth without trying to be the best and wholesome version of myself, but I’m not sure how long I can carry on like this for. Writing this I feel like I can’t breathe, my throat is in a lump and now I am just crying.
I think I need to get professional help soon.
But, I am so tired of everything.
Pt 2 will look at what a quarter life crisis is.
Pt 3 where I currently am in finding help.